I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
