I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
