Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
