Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
