Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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