dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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