i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
