ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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