i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
