Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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