she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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