One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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