my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
