I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
