Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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