were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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