I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
