It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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