he told me I talked like a deaf person
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
