The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
