I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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