My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
