I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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