First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
