I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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