No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
