I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
