And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
