i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
