My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
BRING THE BAGELS
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
