Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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