I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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