Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
