I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
