i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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