I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
