I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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