It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
