the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she smelled like a LAN party
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
