I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
