i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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