So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.