I smell stomach acid.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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