i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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