I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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