My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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