Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
These tits shall not be calmed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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