eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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