I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
