I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
