just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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