I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
