I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
