Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
