how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
